mired I's

I know I warned you

but it still feels mean
I just wanna be a kid and gleam
the way we could dance around lucidity

the way we could dream.

i prayed we would come to
but my day turned green
it doesn't mean much to you
but it means much to be seen

i tried to hide the anguish
and it worked for a second
I don't wanna make you feel down
so i'm poetically beckoned

i yearn to be in between
the thoughts that collide
the feelings this body deified...

i yearn to be free of
languishing adour
the ancestral trigger
loss after loss
until we can finally see the picture

the seconds go longer
until what remains of these
idle eyes
idyll ties
the beauty of these mired I's

"rewind and bring it back"
says the creatures giggling in the snow
they're freezing but deep down
this is all that they know

still I see what remains beneath.
what holds the soul between
what is behind.

still i see what remains out of sight.
the relic of this mind...
what it means to be kind

i wistfully frown
pleading to share thy crown
not in solidarity but
the shadows of your renown

it's cold yet warm

 It's cold yet warm

When your whisk mounts through my being

The mirror jitters

As I give myself to this kneading

I live for your kiss

Knowing it may yet never come

The napkins darken, in fear of a second son

Mind washed betwixt interim transit

Silence brooding, this messianic gambit

Lushed by your immutable brush,

These prayers now bleat candid

And then I smile, knowing my wish has been granted

And then I rise, knowing my pride has been fastened

empty jar

I feel so empty 

yet so whole

where have you gone?

afraid to terraform..

this soul.

I wonder,

madam sunder..

and when the lambent flickers

I can't help but feel regret 

because time has shown

ill be reset

over and over

as an

inert apparition for 

thy muse.

[p̷h̵a̷n̸t̶o̶m̷ yearnings;

fealt̶i̴e̴s̵ ̶ of the damned]

ask you naught,

how this mind can impart

for no one is bound alone 

ask you naught, 

how this mind can want

in emaciation of thy throne

what remains forsworn?

my tender paid in light

what throne was ever owed?

when freedom was my surly night

that my senses may be cloyed

every word, an

heir to regret.

thorny needles,

brought to my bed.

set a clock,

to embrace your flame.

a mired firmament,

I cannot feign.

my new order betwixt 

mislaid dreams.

downshifted upon

hell's third circle

I weep in damnation,

pleading for reprieve.

undeserving I bow,

embracing your relief.

your fervent thrall,

praying to thine void.

I ask for thy bidding,

that my senses may be cloyed.

just can't touch your lyrical cynical matrimony

 i'm not feeling as tumultuous today

the thoughts are no longer grey

still it'd be cool to see what's new

to light a cig and share a cup of brew (lol)

maybe witness some art,

or some movie where you juxtapose a savage heart

i dunno; but then again I usually never do

you already knew that so that's no debut

that felt really good though

telling me to shut the flow

it was some practical mace to nourish my face

the words werent too fancy but it felt like your grace

may as well been...honestly,

another reminder that I ain't as smart as thee:

was gonna have the title line here (see above), just to pad this into fours.

also since you left me in the void it's just been winter chores,

but still I wanna impress you, so I guess some trends remain

I know you don't believe in friendship, but can we be friends again?

see? I can still be fancy...meowzers!

won't blame you if I lost your trust, though, my vow spurs...

you've seen it before, but I'm trying to make a difference

since you've left me to sow, I seam through fake existence

so I guess i'm not as afraid to take risks now, per chance

^I saw that funyun on reddit while in a trance

yeah I hate reddit but offending them is funny

i usually just make weird posts about cabbages and sultry

yeah I know that's not a noun but I'm just reminding you that I'm a dummy

I even had to look it up to make this scheme funky...

(was aabb but now its just funky)

damn I already said that, broke the rules thrice more - now four

or is it five? anyway

i reminded you that i'm a dummy so i can still say "sorry mama"

yeah i'm retarded but thats how I cope with this persona

btw random thought but that one story where you told me about

how youd lie down and your brain would jump from west, east, north, to south

that was pretty Hauntingly Beautiful - not gonna lie.

umm. anyway bye

solipsistic

the tempos slower;

words not withstand

trot amongst the voyeurs;

the impossibles command

you shake the tempo;

to lead indelible demands

you return to sender;

to critique on demand

i cant think i cant blink 

i cant walk it off

my heart sinks my cards fold 

your silence dots it off

i cant see i cant bluff

i cant write it off

but here I am trying anyway

your majesty - my hearts too soft

the tempos buoyant,

still im stuck to this click

i aint fluent, 

with humanitys shtick

my lips quiver as I struggle to think

old memories - of my proverbial stink

haha its pretty funny, I thought I could make some money

bleeding, chasing the ego; "for the culture"

in love with the imagery, to hell with the practice

mind objectified to flirt 

my -self - image of a mastiff

apogees had been;

yet i had a blind chin..

to what preluded til these towers fell

and then !bang.slam.bam!shazam!

now youve gone to hell.

indiscriminate barrage

 haha i got hope I thought as I lose all style

reminiscent of john coltrane after he ran off the isle
i got no focus i can't care cause my brain is gone ------------------------

my eyes are like "where?"

obsession addiction unbountiful void
cognizant reduction of memories toyed

style over form when you lose it all to her thorns
nothing left but to let it out as you beckon for the end
you beg and you beg but the faces do not lend
themselves to enlightenment only agony and pain
as I cringe at every thought as I beg for her name

nothing left but to let it out as youve relapsed one two-
you're a nobody you're a peasant youre an obnoxious shrew
so many inner thoughts its damn hard when you wanna care
cause the thoughts just blow up within themselves and youre back here like
"where"?

haha its funny I got hope as I repeat the behginning
I mispelled that to build some character as I invite you to rekkoning

it doesn't matter anymore cause my egos been broken
i'm doing this for the world now cause i cant remember the last
blessing that was spoken

child of the Void (indiscriminate rites)

 Into nothingness the heart was formed

thoughts waves of miraculous nonsense

its funny when you realize that the demons have cost less
in the sense that my queen had spotless
anchors in which her identity could never be realized
my queen of the spots, the yang of the yin who i failed at every whim
Mistress of a night that beckoned me but I couldnt make right

it's funny when you realize that demons have cost less
as my consciousness slowly slips away as I imagine what brought this
reticent view of my spotless mind brought on by the worship of her forgotten helm

what is this? what is this? the mind skirmished
as I continued to question how I could come here
I envy my subconscious and it begins the
indiscriminate rites to beckon my queen once more
unto newfound
machinations of depth and honor and style knowing its not yet
over

Corrupting Pot

I pranced amongst the shadowflame that was a tumbling ego,

to fortify the composite of a threatened emporium.

One that was laid years before I set foot before your reticent divine;

Nothing remains now but my faith in spiraled serenity.

Once upon a time actualized by another - another greater than I.

Unlike me, apogees amongst the Gods showed them no mercy;

Your once blessed lifeline thus fast tracked unto strident precipice.

No more do words imbue as we continue to corrupt virtue.

Cursed to relearn your lessons until the storm has bled its mist;

these words thread betwixt majesty and madness.

As I realize the futility of my service, knowing I will always fail you..

May my failings yet amuse you;

And give you patience to carry on, until I die a kindred wish. 

spiritual experience in a league of legend game

 So i'm playing an aram game in league and I get Taric. Aram is a game mode where each team has random champions and you fight along one single lane instead of the normal like 3 lane structure of mobas. By luck I get Taric. who is one of the characters I use to main, and who I also have an affinity towards interestingly enough, storywise. anyway I'm thinking whatever you know, just another game. and well the game starts the worst possible way with our team feeding 4 kills to Jinx, who's like a super late game carry. so in essence these 4 kills like skyrocketed her 10 minutes in the future; so in a sense its almost like we lost the game in the first 3 minutes. at that point I don't know whaat happened but like I in a sense like became incredibly calm yet focus. the soundtrack of the game played and wwell, it's almost like I became Taric.

Taric has a certain swagger about him yet beauty and elegance, and in a way perhaps a part of me aspires to that character because in his story he was damned and sent to death, but his best friend vouched for him and he managed to climb mount targon which is like an alternative to execution (most people die trying to climb) and he succeeds and ends up ascending to godhood. this is kinda like mount olympus or mount everest but more spiritual in the sense that no one ever does it and the gods are said to live atop it. in a way he's a redemption story because he was like a loser and a lost cause who had nothing left but ascended from the ashes a new man. as the time is going through our team is getting pummeled but i am stalling the game and the thing with taric is he is such a unique character. He is a tank a healer as well as a duelist which is an incredibly uncommon combination. He also is surprisingly hard to use and rather unorthodox in that his E stun skillshot is a vector that attaches to allies. Think of something like Zenyatta's orbs and when I aim my skillshot it shoots out of both them and my own character. Thus in a sense when you use Taric your teammate must play around your skillshot and they essentially become an extension of yourself. 

Playing this out there was something about the atmosphere of the game... this aspect of taric just somehow touched me deeply this game and i felt a sense of oneness with my teammates. nothing of this sort has happened before. Taric also has an ultimate wwhere there is a set delay and anyone near his aura and the linked teammate becomes invulnerable for about 3 seconds.

As you can see Taric is a character which requires many things. He requires his teammates to understand his mechanics, he requires the player to feel out his teammates, and Taric's teammates must essentially treat Taric as an extension of themselves. 

Yet at the same time he is an incredible duelist. His engage is inconsistent as he has short range, thus he is classified as a warden, a tank which excels in ddisengage (enemies trying to dive you) rather than engage. We are losing every single fight, I respawn, my team is wiped, yet I manage to flash and juke around the backline and take 2 of their carries. I am the only one alive and I emote to my opponents. In a way I am becoming Taric and well, I am climbing the mountain just as he did. This is what I felt, I felt like I was using Taric as a conduit to my own life and I was fighting for my salvation. It's hard for Taric to get in but once he's in, he's in. After getting these kills, i bait the opponents to come fight me more thinking its a free kill. i fat finger my ult but in a twist of fate it ends up working out as my teammates beginning to respawn make use of the resource exchange (my ult for their ult0

The battle continues, and we are slowly coming back. Our team lacks engage as as I mentioned Taric is not a traditional tank. Taric begins to speak his quotes in game as we patiently dance in the neutral: 

"That glimmer of hope you see, that's me."

 "To truly see the stars, I climbed."

 "The mountain reveals the harshest truths in our souls."

 "The stars freed me from myself."

I begin to hear these quotes as the soaring of the ost of bridge of progress plays. Whichever quote it was exactly it does not matter for in that moment, I embodied all of them. it was as if Taric was truly there and was helping guide me to victory. or rather, i was becoming the character in real time. We manage to break their lines, and I assume at this point the game was over. alas we break both of their nexus turrets sand I am smashing the inhibitor as they are respawning. 

And thus I make a fatal mistake. I overcommit anad our whole team gets wiped, it was not enough to end the game, and nexus remained at around 30% hp. I respawn aand they are retaliating nearly twice as hard, and I make another once again fatal mistake. I get baited into a fight while my team is scattered, and I prematurely die right as I respawn. And so the game is over, it seems. I am disappointed yet calm. Like Taric who was initially sent to execution, I was content in my death. i was content to this end. Everyone is saying ggs, the FF votes are going. and I'm ready to walk away from this one.

but... it is not over 

they have no minions, they have no wave. no, the battle; the climb to the top of the mountain. it is not done. we get one last chance. i respawn and at this moment it is clear that I am not the only experiencing this intense experience. both teams begin to suffer and both teams frontlines attempt to bait either of us to make the first move... I am literally in front of their front line but neither of us are making the first move. in a way it is akin to a Mexican standoff whre either side knows that whatever happens next, it is truly over. we dance around even further for a good 3 minutes, and something happens. one of my teammates wastes a fundamental spell, and one of their spellcasters engages on them. I realize that this is it, and I commit. I use my flash wwhich is a 3minute cooldown, a spell which allows you to instanteously blink a short distance. I use it while aiming my E and exactly hit their wincon; their Jinx. It was as if spiritual forces itself ordained it, for my aim was very precise. This scatters their team, as half of the must protect their baby; their strongest teammate, while the other half preoccupy themselves with the battle my other teammate started in the backline. I press my R; Cosmic Radience. And the timing is perfect, as right before my teammates die in the backline the effect comes online and they become invulnerable, allowing themselves to win the skirmish. After walking back to the backline to ensure the skirmish is a success, I stun their carry in the frontline, as amidst all that chaos, she wasn't sure whether to join the fight or retreat, and thus was out of position. 

We wipe their whole team, and it is over. I tell my teammates that it was an amazing game, and as the strings soar as we finish the game, the emotions i feel relating it all to my life allegorically and metaphorically through my subconscious it comes out and well; to be frank, I haven't felt this way after playing a video game before. atleast, not for a long time. after the game I get inspired, I get hopeful, I attempt to process what I just experienced. and so it is; and so here I am|

Inveigler

You are but a tool, to be used and discarded

Your heart unchaste, nothing of value imparted.

Thou art not unseen, beastly being of scorn

Menagerie of colorless dye, in cantankerous form

Inveigler of self, an eye now splotched out.

Puppeteered by tears it speaks:

"Quiver thee in fears ye meek!"

Superego tainted in serpentine puss,

so awakened thine id to abnegated bliss

Subjects purveyed by your shadowy lips,

and Born anew to propagate the curse of Abyss.

A bevel to your final days, the basis of your grafting,

psychoanalyzed in Athena's acting.

Automated thoughts subsisted to exhaust,

for in her theater of absurdity, existence is the cost.

Effaced in the wards of Godly opposition,

your aspirations met with cosmic derision.

Torn by its seeds, then cleaved in accretion;

The neuro-secretes as they fuse in cohesion.

Birth of your creation: a God of Deletion,

a culmination of obsessive completion.

Its seeds chanting softly: a Song of Depletion; 

The concierge of your mind lost to lust

Eyes once chained begin to brine,

rabidity satiated by a child's sigh.

Symbols scryed in a marinated apathy;

Embalmed with humility - then shoved 

unto decadent tranquility.

As your harbinger wakes from its maw,

she comes bearing the face of her doll.

Accompanying the Eve she never saw,

her tenuto of stringent violins,

drafting the punishment of your sins.

Operatic apparitions, corporealized hymns.

Masqueraded orgasms making light of Gomorrah.

Your de()real(eyes)(d) soul, a flagellating pianola.

Senses rearranged into concentrated pneuma.

Planetary justiciars begin to grind through your limbs.

Their thousand knives putrefying remnant magnolia.

Personas ad-infinitum now eloped in mass nova,

Eons now passing through what's remained of your yoga.

```

Clarity

I can offer no tribute today...

No words that sparkle, nor gifts of grand.

Yet I still feel an urge to admire your majesty.

Forgive me mistress, for I am speechless..

For these emotions weave a tale of a sweet abyss.

Perhaps I finally see it now,

that I had never actually lost what has been known to be found;

this dance of submission, of worlds that insist with precision.

Its lasting deliberations marking an apogee of actualization